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Words of Wisdom from the past

ARCHIVES: SOME OLDIES BUT GOODIES....OH THOSE DAYS GONE BY

BECAUSE GOD AND ALL 'EM DEAD PRESIDENTS GAVE US THE RIGHT TO SAY "FUCK YOU"!

So after all these years (dog years) of photography, I am finally offering the ultimate seminarfor photographers : The only course in the world dedicated to pinup photography, a dying art, a growing breed. The curriculum covers everything you need to enter the glamorous world of pinup, and who knows, you may learn some trade secrets not in the program!

Yup...I'll be the first one to admit that what I do is as meaningful to society as those Hot dogs that had the cheese inside them. Remember those things? They kinda sucked..nevertheless I could eat a pack of those together with a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and felt as happy as a hog in a mudhole.

I don't think the guy that invented them ever planned on getting a Nobel prize for solving world hunger.I can imagine a parade down 5th avenue, thousands of smiling children waving their hotdogs as he shared that convertible with Elton John,Madonna and Peter Gabriel. Smiling oh so proudly for his contribution to humanity, he couldnt wait to post on his Livejournal about it either...yeah..right.

Truth is,I think dude just wanted to get paid, so he did what he got hired to do...invent something to sell....and guess what, somebody bought it! That simple.

Same goes with my photos...nuthin to it-It aint art, just entertainment. A product whose sole intention is to hopefully make a buck, and if it gets some guy to "unload" the chamber once in a while, then I had a good day. That, I think is worth a Medal . Dunno, I just dont get all this "artier"than thou crap I get for not knowing the "classic zone system" in photography..The only ones who seem to know it by heart are accountants by day with anal retentive tendencies...Ok so I suck,you happy?

I've been approached many times by many on advise on how to become a "photographer"-glamour type, specifically.

I'll assume that they want the "cliff's note" version-without training, talent nor even going thru the tortures of assisting...Hmm..well guess what?

- you gotta have a camera, the bigger the better. The latest Digital camera with all the oversized accessories you don't even need attached will give you the PRO look. Make sure its got fully AUTO functions coz you'll need them.

-Go to Glamour and Import car shows, bring your gigantor camera and have a buddy take pictures of you with the promo girls while holding your camera, the more the better- then post them in your myspace profile.This definitely gives the impression that youre very well connected and that models love you.

-Go to Craigs list, the freeloader's heaven, Find a few aspiring models that will pose for free-theres plenty there..dont matter if they look like a horse..its all about the free skin. then arrange a photoshoot. Maybe you may have a friend that actually has a job and a nice house and will let you shoot there. If not, a motel room will do...If the models are skeptical, tell them its for that "raw edgy urban look".

-Get a cracked version of Photoshop and learn glamour retouching...it only takes 10 minutes! and you can give all your models that flawless look that will make them look like a bar of soap. It will raise their self esteem and theyll refer you to their other pitfaced friends who could use some instant therapy. You might even get your first model blowjob out of this -

- poor lighting, bad composition and shitty photos overall can all be masked by cranking the saturation,color balance and and curves to max. So dont worry about the photography, Its only secondary.

-after 3 shoots, open a portfolio on "one model place", its only a few bucks. And make sure you check the "limited TFP" box..after all you are a very busy commercial shooter now. This will put you in the high demand category...Dont matter if your photos suck.It's all bout laying the bait.

-Go to myspace and invite only the prettiest girls, asian import models,glamour models and all other shameless self promoters....like you, to be part of your network.Now remember those import show photos? use them to your advantage, chances are youll see the girls here too, so post them all over so other girls think youre buddies with them...Dont forget to leave comments bi-weekly on everybodys profiles. Use the words "hun", "sweetie", and "doll" freely- it'll give you that daddy charm-

- Start a live Journal so others will get to know your human, personal side. Once in a while post photos of yourself in moody even pseudo erotic situations so models will think they have a connection with you. Make up a torturous past and how you've ovecome personal obstacles thru your photos. Now this brings you up a notch into the "artist" category.

- this is just the beginning of a lifestyle! and most importantly: Dont forget your Bandana!

Now heres some stuff I think you should buy if I ever got off my ass and actually produced them, Maybe they'll make some neat bathroom reading:

Hey ,so I'm having another Pinup photo show in about a month..No, I am not launching a coffee table book with all of my "edgy" photos nor displaying museum quality prints for the ooohs and aaahhhs of those in the know....Just gonna be me hanging a bunch of girly photos on a wall, have an open bar , some greasy snacks and invite some people over so I can peddle all my magnets, tshirts, lighters and whatever stuff I can make with all the pinups I got.

"Feed em, get em drunk and they will come.." Why they're here?..nobody knows...Hey, this marketing scheme worked for Jesus, I might as well try it!

Art for the people-Quantity vs. quality.I'm probably hanging with the wrong crowd, But I don't know anybody who'll wanna spend $900 bones on a piece of paper with a picture of a girl in it, unless it came with a blowjob...and thats a bit too much to ask. I'd say 4 bucks for a fridge magnet is good enough to start an art collection.

I am by no means saying that the photographic works of my fellow shooters is not worth their value. In fact it makes me appreciate their work much more as under the bright lights of an art gallery, many times the photos look much better than the actual models who're in the room. So I decided to Dim the lights this time, spike the punch and let the monkeys loose. I also got a Condom company to sponsor the damn thing just in case the event gets outta hand. So if you're the type who's never picked up a book, believes a Painting by Reuben has fat girls coz they ate too much patrami and Sauerkraut, and thinks Wine and cheese is for pussies with turtlenecks..then this is the place for you! See my events page and buy some stuff!

Okay..So I love LA. And trust me, there's no other place i'd rather be than Southern California.there's something about the clogged freeways, polluted air and stale architecture that makes it difficult for me to consider living in ,let's say..New York. But since I've lived in both places..for the sake of fairness, Here's the "WINKYTIKI WHY LA ROCKS" comparison:

In NYC:

1)There's a comprehensive public transportation system, you can take a subway train or bus anywhere. Both rich and poor commute side by side everyday to their jobs.

2)IS the Center of the Fashion and design industry-where the most talented designers, editors and photographers work.

3)There's virtually a theater or off-broadway show everywhere with exceptional actors and performers who've trained in the best academies in town.

4)You are very likely to bump into a High fashion model at "Dean and Deluca's"

5)You can enjoy fine Italian,Thai, japanese or Korean delicacies within the same city block.

6)Central Park is absolutely beautiful-Walking thru it is like travelling to a different world.

7)For a photographer, this is the place to be if you shoot for Vogue.

In Los Angeles:

1) you get to drive around in a 71 caddy, guzzling 6 miles to the gallon down the Hollywood freeway,with the radio cranked to 11. You have 18 feet of Detroit steel between you and the Yuppie in the beamer you just flipped off- and guess what, your car is bigger.

2)Is the center of the Porn industry where aspiring Porn stars get off the greyhound everyday

to show us their Talents in front of the camera.

3)There's virtually a strip club and topless bar everywhere where gorgeous exotic dancers who've trained in the best dance academies in New york come to actually make a decent living instead of tapdancing on Broadway.

4)You're very likely to bump into your favorite Porn star at Denny's.

5)You can enjoy italian, thai,japanese and Korean delicacies at the same Donut shop...or Massage parlour.

6)McArthur Park is interesting.Walking thru it is actually being in a different country.

7)For a photographer, this is the place to be if you shoot for "barely legal".

Since we live in a free nation (uh..kinda)- feel free to choose where you'd rather be..just don't come into my goddamn city and complain about how LA isn't "just like (fill in the blanks)", well you're damn right,there ain't no "in n' out" burgers -the very best- anywhere but here ,except the one in vegas...

And I'll be more than happy to give your Parka wearing, shaggy haired, yoga twisting, Soy Latte drinking ass a ride to the Downtown greyhound depot with a one way ticket to some backwards state where you can't go to the liquor store on a sunday and buy a bottle of Jack,a corn dog and a porn video.

1)Asian Strippers only have two names "Jade" or "Jasmine", and I only have one: "Joe"

2)I love the scent of body splash, booze and baby wipes. And don't mind finding my clothes smelling the same the next day..I call it stretching the buck.

3)I actually get peace of mind for contributing to the "tijuana boobjob" fund.

3)I finally know what happened to my favorite Heavy Metal musicians that didn't make it thru the 80's:they now work as DJ's and Mc's at the local stripjoint.

5)I'd rather blow 200 bucks on a hottie who doesn't give an absolute damn about me but will grind my lap Til I get a rash, than on some prissy bitch who just wants to be "friends" after spending 3 weeks and 300 bucks on sushi dinners-

6)You can keep up to date on who the Hottest local bands are. Not by the music strippers dance to, but rather by seeing who they date.

So the photoshoot's done. the model was late, the camera jammed,half the lamps burned out...just another day in da hood..Now comes the part where you gotta take the film to the lab and hope something came out, if at all...Unlike popular belief, this process is a bit more complicated than dropping your film off at walgreens and coming back an hour later to an envelope full of sharp, colorful images for the price of a sandwich...the models would look the way they wanna look and I end up looking like a hero...In a perfect world where there's no war nor hunger, that would be the case..wrong.

yeah yeah...there go the photographer nazis saying : "real photographers do their own darkroom work" or some other snob remark at my lack of interest in developing my own film/photos..The truth is, If I wanna spend half my day fumbling with chemical products, i'd work at a hair salon bleaching hair..to make things worse, my idea of a good time does not involve walking around in the dark bumping into things...just don't got the patience.So Im condemned to going to the so called "professional" photo lab. You know, the kinda place that prides itself in employing out of work photography school graduates to run the counters and find every way in the book to make your visit as enjoyable as a Hemmorhoid. Don't get me wrong, theres some good ole ma n pa labs that do great work and don't make you feel like an idiot for not knowing the difference between an Rc or a Fiber print, which in my lingo is about 6 bucks-There's a few places that are just sweet and am loyal to them coz everytime I screw up, they find a way to make me safe face. I just detest walking into places so sterile they make a dentists office look like a hooker's mattress, then waiting inline behind models-turned-photographers with 700 rolls of film.or some hot shot assistant who makes it a point to make everyone else in the room know about their "emerging star" status.For crying out loud, all I want is to drop off some film and get some prints...only to get to the counter and have Mr. "I graduated from blah blah center and I have a great portfolio" comment on my photos and how he would have shot it differently...you know, Fuck you, give me my stub and go to hell. And take your portfolio with you, I'm sure it will make great fuel for the ovens of damnation.If youre so goddamn slick, why am I the one giving you MY film to process,,,By the way, PIERRE- how much for wallet prints? Trust me, I ain't no Herb Ritts, and my photos are pretty Low-Fi, but at the end of it, I'm the one hanging out with playboy models, and you're not-I rest my case-

That's right, TFP- That's a term very familiar to photographers and models alike...but what exactly does it mean?Most of the work on my site is TFP- In summary : Model poses for Photographer in exchange for Prints for his/her portfolio. Model poses for photographer, Photographer gives her copies of the best images in reasonable time.Sometimes Model and Photographer split the costs of hair/ makeup and any othe incidentals like processing, beer and chicken wings...- that about sounds fair.

Nowadays, In a world of internet clubs and DIY "model" homepages..there seems to be a distorted version of the term:

1) TFP: Totally Free Photographer- as in "Model thinks she's hot. therefore every photographer is obligated to photograph her for free" so she can accumulate as many images as possible for her "self-made" fan club

.2)TFP:I'll wear what I want, pose how I want and keep all the photos to myself..after all I am the Model ( very loosely used term) and you should be grateful to photograph me. Honey, I would agree if you were Miss Hawaiian Tropic...but you're not. So sit still and smile for the camera.

3) TFP: Trying to be FEtish Photographer: Just because you're a pervert and bought a slick camera, doesn't give you the right to abuse the title of photographer in the name of "Fetish" Art. the truth is: you couldn't get laid before, you're not getting laid now either.

4)Totally Fake Photographer:Digital camera + Hawaiian Shirt + Ticket to latest glamour convention. You know who you are....WE know who you are..

In summary, Just because a photographer shoots TFP doesn't necessarily mean he'll shoot any chick with a new corset that'll call him, unless he's Mandrake the magician who can pull Film, lights, Sets, and prints out of his ass Nor It means Pretty girls have to put up with Perverts disguised as photographers. No one is obligated to each other then-

YAHOO GROUP.
Me, and ,,,Me and more of me. Ok, You...but back to me now

Speaking of ME- look at more of ME by YOU, but it's all about ME now.

What about Them? Who's Them? You mean those Who know ME?

This is what I like and just because I like it you should like it too..because it's...ME of course.

HAve you joined MY club? You must not know ME then..

Hi, I joined YOUR Club, so you can then see ME at MY club. What's your Club's name, I really don't care ? If I join yours, you MUST join MINE.

.Hey Look at Photos Of ME, and wait! there's more of ME in the folder named. obviously...ME!! YAY!

Hello Mr. Photographer, You must Shoot ME, I have a YAhoo Club..If you shot HER...It means You will shoot ME.

Look, My home page has a Photo of ME by You!! You are the best Photographer ever!! Those who Like ME will like YOU too!Tomorrow, Another photo of ME but not by YOU...who are YOU anyways?

Hey everybody!! I know you're all interested in knowing what I wore to the "Burlesque ball"..So There's plenty photos of ME and My outfit ..I know you're dying to see.. If you have any photos of the show, feel free to post them as long as they are of...ME!!YAY!

Ok, ok,,you for now..enuff of you...It's MEEEEE...MEEE ,,ME

.Do you YAhoo?

.

They're mostly friends or gals I meet at local hangouts like Clubs, Classic Car shows, the Free Clinic, etc. Sometimes on the internet. I've known many of them for a while as I've had to pester them until they finally give up and agree. There is no money exchanged, but I usually trade their beauty and time for Prints, office supplies and whatever's on sale at Pic n' Save.

2) Your photos are quite traditional.Why don't you do what REAL photographers do and work on something more original and Avant garde?

Because Beer and Karaoke is more fun than stale crackers at art openings. Call me stupid but I'd rather look at a picture of a real boob than someone's interpretation of it. Cover bands RULE!!

3) You state that you don't use any Digital manipulation. Is that to maintain the purity of the style?

NAH! Only because I can barely work a computer. I'm lucky if my emails get through. Hopefully one day I can learn this stuff so I can finally get rid of all the scratches, fingerprints, poor focus and all the amateurously overlooked details in my work.

4) What equipment do you use?

I've got a beat up Nikon F that's been thru a few riots, and a couple of Soviet cameras (distortion heaven!) that require me to bring my toolkit to get them to work. . Film...whatever charity bringeth unto me.

5) I notice a lot of mistakes and your work seems quite unpolished, at Art Center College that is unacceptable. Where did you learn to take pictures?

I never did..I'm actually a pretty lousy photographer. On the other hand I get to work with pretty girls all the time rather than wasting my time "freezing" bullets at 20K a term!

6) How can I get started in photography?

Go to a fancy school , then call me and help me figure out what that black button next to the round thingy that changes the knobby with them numbers on my camera does.

7) How can I be a Pinup model?

Drop me a line, and be willing to put up with me fumbling half the day. Also get ready to get backstabbed on the internet and then wait for ages for me to actually get my act together and learn to make the prints I promised instead of Sav-on quickies. On the good side, You may get recognized at ViVA LAs Vegas and hopefully some drunk schmuck will buy you drinks all day long

8) Do you provide the wardrobe and styling?

Nope, I don't think anyone would wanna wear my clothes in the first place.. specially given the time they spend in the hamper.In fact, I don't even own a mirror. Maybe I'll give you a cigarette to hold. So the models take care of all that. If they dont have their own wardrobe, they'll just have to pose naked..darn!

9) Are you available for commission work?

Only if it involves Cars, Girls or Free tickets to something that involves Cars, Girls or 2 for 1 lapdances